The Ragamuffin Warrior Tribune

The is the log and news update of the recovery and day-to-day life of Ari Schaffer as she grows mentally and spiritually in Christ. ragamuffin: 1) a ragged, disreputable person; tatterdemalion. 2) a child in ragged, ill-fitting, dirty clothes.

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Recovery Log: 02/16/2019



Date: 02/16/2019
——

9:00pm
Meal: Dinner
What?: Gluten-free ramen w/ carrots
Location: Home
Company: Alone
Hunger feel: 78%
Hunger: Eaten
Sated: 26%
Binge: 70%
Dehydration: n/a
Excessive drinking: n/a
Excessive sport: n/a
Laxatives: n/a
Purge: n/a
Feelings: Anxiety, Guilt shame
Thoughts: n/a
Moon Phase: 3 day until full moon
Weather: partly cloudy

——

7:04 pm 02/16/2019
🚫no self harm: 1 year 6 months 4 days
🚫❌ no porn: 15 hours
🚭 no smoking: RELAPSED

——

1 year recovery goal hit. So 1 year and....:

1 MONTH (395 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
2 MONTH (425 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
3 MONTH (455 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
4 MONTH (485 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
5 MONTH (515 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
6 MONTH (545 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
7 MONTH (575 DAYS) MARK HIT
8 MONTH (605 DAYS) MARK HIT
9 MONTH (635 DAYS) MARK HIT
10 MONTH (665 DAYS) MARK HIT
11 MONTH (695 DAYS) MARK HIT
12 MONTH (725 DAYS) MARK HIT
2 YEAR (730 DAYS) MARK HIT

——
Time Clean Before Last Relapse: 28 days
Longest Time Clean: 1 year 7 months 2 weeks and 2 days days clean

Saturday, February 16, 2019

Discomfort, Selfcare, & Rest (Feb. 14-15)

Thursday, Feb. 14, 2019



Self-Care Valentines Day

So Valentine's Day! And to say I was in a great deal of discomfort would be a huge understatement. Most of the day was spent itching, scratching and in excruciating agony.

The reason for this discomfort was due to breaking out in hives on my hands, wrists, knees, shins, ankles, and feet. It started in the afternoon of the thirteenth but only around my wrists. Then it began to spread and burn even more than it had before. Barely able to walk, I had to rest and stop packing and wait this out.

At least I was able to do what I loved and take some time for myself. Writing, updating blogs, napping and keeping track of my recovery. I rested and most of the day and woke up at about 11pm and at my second meal and tracked my process, also checked on my many social medias.

Scripture

So, the day's passages on Daily Audio Bible was read from the Contemporary English Version.

  • Exodus 37-38
  • Matthew 28
  • Psalm 34:11-22
  • Proverbs 9:9-10

But the main part of Scripture I wanted to talk about was the fact that when my friend was struggling with the toxicity of the church. I wanted to share the main points I said to her

"These verses are very true of [toxic] situation[s], and much of the reason we rarely find a good church and it seems most churches are is due to these verses being true... Though it is hard to find a good church there are a few that simply worth all the time, frustration, tears, and patience waiting for it. As for me, I know there are good churches. I go to one and it was well worth the wait and search."

  • Matthew 7:13-14
  • Matthew 7:21-23

Friday, Feb. 15, 2019



Self-care...

More Rest; Feeling Much Better

Not much was done today either. I was still recovering from the breakout, but I took a few naps due to pure exhaustion. Once I was done, I woke up and felt much better, but it was already 9pm. I ate a nice meal of carrots, gluten-free garlic bread, and baked chicken.

Meanwhile, I watched all the new episodes of The Dragon Prince and truly enjoyed it. I also caught up with RWBY. I know I haven't accomplished much but I'm sure I'll be able to pack at least two boxes a day, starting tomorrow. Haven't felt well at all lately and just recuperated...

Progress and then a relapse

8:26 am (02/15)
  • 🚫❌no porn: 5 days 6 hours
  • 🚭no smoking: 43 hours

11:14 pm (02/15)
  • 🚫❌no porn: 5 days 21 hours
  • 🚭no smoking: 76 hours
2:24 am (02/16)
  • 🚫❌no porn: 6 days
  • 🚭no smoking: 79 hours

4:54 am (02/16)
  • 🚫❌no porn: RELAPSED
  • 🚭no smoking: 80 hours

6:58 am (02/16)
  • 🚫❌no porn: 2 hours
  • 🚭no smoking: RELAPSED

Siiighh... Today's been stressful despite feeling better physically. All day I dealt with an urge to escape my extreme anxious and depressive emotions. I struggled to keep up with my recovery but ended up relapsing and escaping my emotions but for a moment. First I desperately tried to numb myself through porn then I felt great shame and coped with a cigarette... Before I relapsed, though I went to someone, but gave in minutes after talking it out... Siiigh...

Throwbacks


  • 2018 (A Year Ago) - Alright, 2018 was spent preparing to move in, and spent with the cat. We had stock up on groceries and items for cleaning and I was outspoken about a lot of political and spiritual topics as I always am.

  • 2017 (2 Years Ago) - 2017 was spent having shame and remorse over breaking the law, getting arrested, and coming back. It was around this time, I would cut far too deeply... I wrote poetry a lot to get me through that.

BONUS SCRIPT: I'll be honest, 2017 was a hard time. So much changed that year... I was arrested, came out of jail, was mistreated and humiliated by a church leader over having a mental illness and openly speaking of my struggles and victories, before being kicked out, I relapsed after 1 year 7 months 2 weeks and 2 days of not cutting, lost three close friends, spent the whole year doing PTI, and hosting a guest (who is now my roommate) and several cats, not to mention hosting my brother. You'd think I'd look on 2017 in spite... But I thank God for what he did to strengthen me through the fire. It was because of what happened in 2017 that I am where I am now, mentoring 3 people and able to do so without co-dependence weighing me down. I once though 2017 was the biggest breakdown I ever had but it was a holy awakening.

Friday, February 15, 2019

Recovery Log: 02/15/2019

Date: Friday, 02/15/2019

——
1:18 am

Meal: Snack
What?: Gluten-free chicken salad sammich
Location: Home
Company: Kin
Hunger feel: 82%
Hunger: Eaten
Sated: 100%
Binge: n/a
Dehydration: n/a
Excessive drinking: n/a
Excessive sport: n/a
Laxatives: n/a
Purge: n/a
Feelings: Joy, Pleasure, Anxiety
Thoughts: n/a
Moon Phase: 5 days until the full moon
Weather: Sunny
——


9:01pm
Meal: Dinner
What?: Baked chicken, carrots, and garlic bread
Location: Home
Company: Alone
Hunger feel: 93%
Hunger: Eaten
Sated: 100%
Binge: n/a
Dehydration: n/a
Excessive drinking: n/a
Excessive sport: n/a
Laxatives: n/a
Purge: n/a
Feelings: Joy, Pleasure, Shame, Anxiety
Thoughts: n/a


——

🚫no self harm: 1 year 6 months 4 days (549 days)
🚫❌ no porn: RELAPSED 4 hours ago
🚭 no smoking: RELAPSED 2 hours ago



——


1 year recovery goal hit. So 1 year and....:


1 MONTH (395 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
2 MONTH (425 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
3 MONTH (455 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
4 MONTH (485 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
5 MONTH (515 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
6 MONTH (545 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
7 MONTH (575 DAYS) MARK HIT
8 MONTH (605 DAYS) MARK HIT
9 MONTH (635 DAYS) MARK HIT
10 MONTH (665 DAYS) MARK HIT
11 MONTH (695 DAYS) MARK HIT
12 MONTH (725 DAYS) MARK HIT
2 YEAR (730 DAYS) MARK HIT


——

Time Clean Before Last Relapse: 28 days
Longest Time Clean: 1 year 7 months 2 weeks and 2 days days clean

Thursday, February 14, 2019

I need Yeshua as much in the good times as I do in the bad... perhaps more, lest I fall




Milestones, Recovery, & Celebration

Welp, I have finally hit my 1 & 1/2-Year Mark since my last relapse in selfharm! And in the meantime, I am having to go cold turkey on cigarettes again as I was stuck in the habit of smoking again... And I am taking my addiction of pornography seriously and working hard towards changing my coping skills to spiritually and mentally healthier alternatives.

As of 4:47am, I've reached the following markers....
  • 🚫no selfharm: 1 1/2 year 
  • 🚫❌no porn: 87hrs
  • 🚭no smoking: 21hrs 
So far there has been a lot to celebrate. I've made it through the trials of my faith, recovery, etc. quite successfully. And I've been truly blessed with a for of stability and calm... however, I've learned that only God could've gotten this far. Maturing in my faith and recovery has made it possible to mentor even in my harder times...I've also come to realize that I need Yeshua as much in the quiet and good times as I do in the trials... perhaps even moreso.

Throwbacks

On This Day...

  • 2018 (A Year Ago...) - My brother, roommate and I start settling into our new apart at this time. As I make at least the living room a place to enjoy company. The cats were so darn relieved to finally get out of my parents' place as we had 9 mammals (3 cats & 6 people) in our small house. We were so crammed it made things very stressful for my folks and our cats... So finally seeing them comfortable and calm was such a beautiful thing!

  • 2017 (2 Years Ago) - When I lived with my folks, after we had moved from our old home to the one they're living in now... they started building a school where we used to live... I felt really depressed too but otherwise we were preparing to move while I did PTI in order to clear my name of my shoplifting... which I truly regret.

Art Improvement

Lately, I have been going through many a memory due to nostalgia. And have truly found improvement in my art. These are a few selfie arts!


Health

Intro

So I updated my style of recovery logs in a way that will also keep track of many more aspects including tracking my eating disorder, feelings, urges, thoughts, moon phases, and weather!

Meteorology, Astronomy & Psychology

So, one of my science projects was to prove that the moon phases affect not only bodies of water such as waves and currents but also affects our bodies as we are 80-something% water... So, not only to prove that, but to keep track of my own health, I'm keeping the moon phases and weather in mind for later!

To Manage an ED 

In the meantime, I'm also keeping track of my eating disorder/urges and factors that play in on how I feel on two apps called Moody and Jourvie... They also inspired the build of my logs! :D




Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Recovery Log: 02/14/2019



——
~
Date: Thursday, 02/14/2019
Time: 12:00am

~
——

6:40am

Meal: Breakfast
What?: Gluten-free chicken noodle soup
Location: At home
Company: alone
Hunger: feel 29%
Hunger: eaten
Sated: 68%
Binge: Done: 72%
Dehydration: n/a
Excessive drinking: n/a
Excessive sport: n/a
Laxatives: n/a
Purge: n/a
Feelings: Anxiety, Shame, Sadness, Guilt, Disgust, Anger
Thoughts: overthinking about the move, bad memories, just generally depressed...
Weather: Sunny. Cold
——

10:30pm

Meal: Dinner
What?: nothing
Location: At home
Company: alone
Hunger: feel 97%
Hunger: not eaten
Sated: 0%
Binge: 0%
Dehydration: n/a
Excessive drinking: n/a
Excessive sport: n/a
Laxatives: n/a
Purge: n/a
Feelings: Anxiety, Shame, Sadness, Guilt, Disgust
Thoughts: overthinking about the move, bad memories, just generally depressed...
Moon Phase: 6 days until the full moon
Weather: Partly Cloudy, cool

——

Self harm: 1 year 5 month 3 weeks 1 day (546 days) clean
Porn/erotica: 81hrs (3 days & 9 hrs)
Smoking: 20hrs
——

1 year recovery goal hit. So 1 year and....:

1 MONTH (395 DAYS) MARK HIT
2 MONTH (425 DAYS) MARK HIT
3 MONTH (455 DAYS) MARK HIT
4 MONTH (485 DAYS) MARK HIT
5 MONTH (515 DAYS) MARK HIT
6 MONTH (545 DAYS) MARK HIT
7 MONTH (575 DAYS) MARK HIT
8 MONTH (605 DAYS) MARK HIT
9 MONTH (635 DAYS) MARK HIT
10 MONTH (665 DAYS) MARK HIT
11 MONTH (695 DAYS) MARK HIT
12 MONTH (725 DAYS) MARK HIT
2 YEAR (730 DAYS) MARK HIT

——

Time Clean Before Last Relapse: 28 days
Longest Time Clean: 1 year 7 months 2 weeks and 2 days days clean

Recovery Log 2/13/2019


——
Date: Wed. 02/13/2019
Time: 5:57am
——

Meal: After-midnight snack
What?: Gluten-free Chicken Salad Sammich
Location: At Home
Company: Alone
Hunger: 70%
Hunger: Eaten
Sated: 100%
Binge: 27% Urge
Dehydration: n/a
Excessive drinking: n/a
Excessive sport: n/a
Laxatives: n/a
Purge: n/a
Feelings: Pleasure, Shame, Guilt, Sadness, Joy, Anxiety
Thoughts: mixed emotions... and Gluten-free chicken noodle soup ready for lunch tomorrow
Moon Phase: First Quarter/Half Moon
Weather: Wet, Foggy

——
Self harm: 1 year 5 month 3 weeks (545 days) clean
Porn/erotica: 54hrs
Smoking: 4hrs
——

1 year recovery goal hit. So 1 year and....:

  • 1 MONTH (395 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
  • 2 MONTH (425 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
  • 3 MONTH (455 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
  • 4 MONTH (485 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
  • 5 MONTH (515 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
  • 6 MONTH (545 DAYS) MARK HIT ⚔️
  • 7 MONTH (575 DAYS) MARK HIT
  • 8 MONTH (605 DAYS) MARK HIT
  • 9 MONTH (635 DAYS) MARK HIT
  • 10 MONTH (665 DAYS) MARK HIT
  • 11 MONTH (695 DAYS) MARK HIT
  • 12 MONTH (725 DAYS) MARK HIT
  • 2 YEAR (730 DAYS) MARK HIT

——

Time Clean Before Last Relapse: 28 days
Longest Time Clean: 1 year 7 months 2 weeks and 2 days days clean

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Cleaning up... 2/11/2019



Well not a whole lot happened today but I think what I did do was a huge achievement... *deep breaths...* So a big sign of my depression is I let my hygiene work fall apart... today I broke that cycle and I cleaned up... took a bubble bath, in essential oils too and then chilled before tackling my hair... After cuddling with Whisper a bit and watching my kitty on a comfy mattress, I finally tackled my tangled and quickly growing hair. Shaved the side of my head and brushed it out... now I love how it turned out!

Whew... so yeah... other than that, I did a few more graphics as well as posting some encouragement for myself on Facebook...And as Valentine's Day is on its way, I made a profile picture in honour of it lolz!

So here it is! Ye like?
Anyway, not much done save for those and doing whatever...Except that I hit my 1 year and a half mark that day after tomorrow! Thanx for reading this weird bit of news...