Discomfort, Selfcare, & Rest (Feb. 14-15)

Thursday, Feb. 14, 2019

Self-Care Valentines Day

So Valentine's Day! And to say I was in a great deal of discomfort would be a huge understatement. Most of the day was spent itching, scratching and in excruciating agony.

The reason for this discomfort was due to breaking out in hives on my hands, wrists, knees, shins, ankles, and feet. It started in the afternoon of the thirteenth but only around my wrists. Then it began to spread and burn even more than it had before. Barely able to walk, I had to rest and stop packing and wait this out.

At least I was able to do what I loved and take some time for myself. Writing, updating blogs, napping and keeping track of my recovery. I rested and most of the day and woke up at about 11pm and at my second meal and tracked my process, also checked on my many social medias.

Scripture

So, the day's passages on Daily Audio Bible was read from the Contemporary English Version.

• Exodus 37-38
• Matthew 28
• Psalm 34:11-22
• Proverbs 9:9-10

But the main part of Scripture I wanted to talk about was the fact that when my friend was struggling with the toxicity of the church. I wanted to share the main points I said to her

"These verses are very true of [toxic] situation[s], and much of the reason we rarely find a good church and it seems most churches are is due to these verses being true... Though it is hard to find a good church there are a few that simply worth all the time, frustration, tears, and patience waiting for it. As for me, I know there are good churches. I go to one and it was well worth the wait and search."

• Matthew 7:13-14
• Matthew 7:21-23

Friday, Feb. 15, 2019

Self-care...

More Rest; Feeling Much Better

Not much was done today either. I was still recovering from the breakout, but I took a few naps due to pure exhaustion. Once I was done, I woke up and felt much better, but it was already 9pm. I ate a nice meal of carrots, gluten-free garlic bread, and baked chicken.

Meanwhile, I watched all the new episodes of The Dragon Prince and truly enjoyed it. I also caught up with RWBY. I know I haven't accomplished much but I'm sure I'll be able to pack at least two boxes a day, starting tomorrow. Haven't felt well at all lately and just recuperated...

Progress and then a relapse

8:26 am (02/15)

• 🚫❌no porn: 5 days 6 hours
• 🚭no smoking: 43 hours

11:14 pm (02/15)

• 🚫❌no porn: 5 days 21 hours
• 🚭no smoking: 76 hours

2:24 am (02/16)

• 🚫❌no porn: 6 days
• 🚭no smoking: 79 hours

4:54 am (02/16)

• 🚫❌no porn: RELAPSED
• 🚭no smoking: 80 hours

6:58 am (02/16)

• 🚫❌no porn: 2 hours
• 🚭no smoking: RELAPSED

Siiighh... Today's been stressful despite feeling better physically. All day I dealt with an urge to escape my extreme anxious and depressive emotions. I struggled to keep up with my recovery but ended up relapsing and escaping my emotions but for a moment. First I desperately tried to numb myself through porn then I felt great shame and coped with a cigarette... Before I relapsed, though I went to someone, but gave in minutes after talking it out... Siiigh...

Throwbacks

• 2018 (A Year Ago) - Alright, 2018 was spent preparing to move in, and spent with the cat. We had stock up on groceries and items for cleaning and I was outspoken about a lot of political and spiritual topics as I always am.

• 2017 (2 Years Ago) - 2017 was spent having shame and remorse over breaking the law, getting arrested, and coming back. It was around this time, I would cut far too deeply... I wrote poetry a lot to get me through that.

BONUS SCRIPT: I'll be honest, 2017 was a hard time. So much changed that year... I was arrested, came out of jail, was mistreated and humiliated by a church leader over having a mental illness and openly speaking of my struggles and victories, before being kicked out, I relapsed after 1 year 7 months 2 weeks and 2 days of not cutting, lost three close friends, spent the whole year doing PTI, and hosting a guest (who is now my roommate) and several cats, not to mention hosting my brother. You'd think I'd look on 2017 in spite... But I thank God for what he did to strengthen me through the fire. It was because of what happened in 2017 that I am where I am now, mentoring 3 people and able to do so without co-dependence weighing me down. I once though 2017 was the biggest breakdown I ever had but it was a holy awakening.